Deep Dark Thoughts...

Friday, 22 February 2019

Love at First Death

Zain February 22, 2019 0 Comments

"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP"

The ear piercing monotonous screech of the ECG was the only sound in the room with 9 souls and 10 bodies. His head dropped in disappointment; even blinking as fast he could, could not stop the drop of tear from leaking out and dropping to the crimson-stained floor.

He had trained for this; he had attended lectures; he had been told what to do in such a scenario, but alas, as beautiful as it is to witness the miracle of birth, it is far more wretched to watch life being snatched away.

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"Over here! Hurry up, we're going to be late!"

That soft spoken silky voice. It was her. Rampaging her handbag in search of her student ID with one hand and the other waving in the air.

"Classic Amaya," Teo exclaimed to himself ever so calmly in his classic 'strut-style-walk' as he walked along the hospital corridor. "Calm down, didn't you read the class reps' message? The prof isn't here today, we'll just have to go and clerk some patients today to keep ourselves occupied."

"Great," Amaya's frantic look changed to one of disappointment as she slumped her shoulders. "Just great, guess who pulled an all-nighter for her presentation today?" She asked, sarcastically.

"Can you stop complaining you midget and lets get going to the wards" Teo said as he rolled his eyes, it was as if he knew the exact words she'd utter.

"Oi, call me a midget again and I'll use that steth on your shoulders to strangle you" Amaya retorted, as sensitive as ever while Teo was trying his best not to burst out laughing. Amaya an Teo were inseparable friends ever since they started med school 2 years ago, something between them just 'clicked' and their form of showing appreciation for each other was to diss each other into oblivion.

They both then dragged themselves across the halls and to the elevators of the once great Edwards Hospital and Medical School. The only thing great about it now was the name and the brilliant doctors it turned out every year. The place itself was in a mess, with shoddy repairs, broken tiles and once majestic colorful building replaced with a new 'glorious' look with it's paint all eroded and the grey plaster beneath it exposed.

"You do the honours today" Amaya said as if presenting the elevators buttons to Teo.

The elevators, don't get me started on the elevators. Out of the 10 elevators, only 2 worked at any time. It was like a game of roulette, you wouldn't know which 2 until their respective buttons lit up as soon as they'd reach the ground floor. Even then, it was a race to get into them before the doors closed and it went back up into the black hole it arrived from.

An eternity later they finally reached the OBGYN ward and proceeded to Room B12. Teo slowly opened the door to the room and saw a frail looking girl just sat on the bed. Sitting, just frozen, eyes open, deep in thought, ignorant of the fact that Teo and Amaya had just entered the room. Or maybe she didn't really care.

"Hi ma'am, how are you?" Teo asked after clearing his voice to make sure it was as soft as it could be.

The girl just turned her head almost in slow motion to face him, and moved some of her long silky black hair that were on her face. Nothing, she said nothing, just stared at him. Teo felt as if the girl was gazing not into his eyes, but his soul. She just sat there, her hands in her laps, her forearm covered in scars, they both knew how'd she'd gotten them.

"My name is Amaya what's yours?" She said as she bent down and held the mysterious girl's hand and looking directly into her eyes.

"Ja... Jane." It was less of a reply and more of a whimper, as if she'd spent all of her energy to utter that one word.

"Jane, this is Teo," She said pointing to Teo to come over "Teo will just ask you a few questions if you're alright with that Jane" said Amaya as she left Jane with Teo and scavenged the patients profile.

Amaya's hands trembled as she read those two words in the file, 'Sexual Assault'.

"Now Jane, what brought you to the hospital?" Teo asked.

Jane just looked at him, smiled and with a calm voice said "I was in an abusive relationship and when I decided to leave I was slut shamed, raped, beaten and left in the dirt to die like the worthless human I am."

Teo and Amaya were shocked at how calmly she had uttered those words, the words only someone who was on the brink of insanity could say with such calm. Yet there she was, just seated and smiling after telling her story as if it were something to be proud of.

Teo was flabbergasted but he knew he had to say something to de-escalate the situation. "We're here to help you Jane, you'll be fine in no time." Teo exclaimed with his chest out as if to assure her.

"Oh yeah?" Jane who was so calm until this point, suddenly changed her tone and interrupted before Teo could finish. Her face red in anger and her blank look changed into one of blood-lust. "What makes you think you know me? Stop living in a fantasy world. It will all be better if I just kill myself. How could you know how it feels like? How could you possibly know?" Jane said as tears started flowing from her face which still had that look of resent.

"I KNOW how it feels," Amaya dropped her file, sat next to Jane and stared at the wall "Every day, every second. The fear. It's the fear that gets you. The fear that at any second that someone whom you trusted will walk back in and deprive you the right to resist, the right to be human while you just watch it happen, powerless. I learnt that lesson at the ripe age of 12, so I KNOW what you're talking about" she clenched her fists and closed her eyes, as if to hide from all the memories that were just hitting her.

Teo was lost for words, he had never, in all his time with Amaya seen this side of her. She was always smiling and happy. He always assumed she had it all going for her; topping in class, motivational stories in Instagram, inspiring speeches in student elections. Never had he seen her break down like this, not like this. At that moment, maybe, just maybe, Teo felt like the Amaya he knew was all a facade.

"I'm... I'm sorry... It's ok we don't have to do this now, let's go outside and get some fresh air" Teo finally gathered his calm and said.

Amaya got up and headed for the door that Teo was holding open for her. She looked at Jane who was in the same position as she was in when they entered the room, her eyes now sore from all the crying. "I just wan't the pain to end, just let me die," Jane let out a cry while looking at Amaya who was leaving the room "How do I end this pain?" she whispered to herself just before the door shut in-front of her.

Teo and Amaya stood on the edge of the balcony of the 10th floor as they waited for the lift to come. Teo could see Amaya's still blank face, it was one of despair and pity, he didn't' know if it was for Jane or herself.

"Hey, you know if you want to talk, I'm here for you" Teo reassured Amaya.

Suddenly, Amaya burst out laughing, a long laugh... almost maniacal. "Hah, you thought that was real?"

"But what you said... about your childhood... does it still not haunt you?" muttered Teo.

She gasped for air as she continued laughing and pointed at Teo "You've underestimated my acting skills, SOMEONE had to defuse the situation and I handled it perfectly. Plus I told you I'd make you regret calling me a midget!"

"This is your idea of a prank? It's not funny at all, people don't joke about such things, especially not infront of someone like Jane, suicide isn't a joke" Teo's mind was a circus at the moment trying to analyze all the information that was being input into his head, he didn't know what to believe anymore.

"Yeah, I know, suicide is not a joke, suicide is never an option," Jane gathered herself and calmly replied. But her head was filled with the last words Jane said to her and they played back in her head on a loop.

"I think you need some space, I'll head out now. Call me if you need anything, but Jesus, none of the silly 'acting' from now on" said Teo in an assertive tone.

"Haha... Sure, see you tomorrow same time here on this balcony then, we'll check up on Jane tomorrow, hopefully she doesn't do anything irrational" said Amaya.

"Yeah, hope to see her tomorrow too, don't worry, she'll be fine" assured Teo.

The wind blew Amaya's hair on to her freckle laden face, which until this point Teo hadn't bothered observing closely and he realized was one of the finest anatomical facial constructions he had ever seen. Especially her eyes, her hazel colored eyes which were ever so gleaming whenever he saw her. As he thought to himself "This girl, she's really... something." Teo couldn't help but notice that Amaya's fists were still clenched as the elevator doors shut in-front of him blocking his view of Amaya.

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"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP"

The loud screech which still continued to play brought back Teo from his thoughts. His head bowed, standing over the lifeless body of the suicide victim that he had just seen yesterday. Despite the surgeons' best efforts, they couldn't possibly repair all the damage caused by a fall from 10 floors onto concrete, it was a miracle that the body was still identifiable.

Teo held back his tears and with his crimson colored gloves which were once white, he closed the victim's eyes. The hazel eyes that he would see for the last time, the hazel eyes that he had admired so much, the hazel eyes that hid so much pain from plain sight.

"Amaya!" Teo's head lowered even further, as he finally let go of his tears and as the saline waterfall started, he thought to himself "How do I end this pain?"

THE END

Friday, 6 November 2015

The Falling Cherry Blossoms

Zain November 06, 2015 1 Comments

The wind whistling, the sky left naked with no clouds and the sun gleaming as bright as it possibly could. The shadow of the gigantic tree casting over two 13 year old children playing on the ground below.

“It's here!” said Anissa gleefully.

“Huh? What is?” Damian responded with a confused face.

“Autumn. What else silly? Can't you see the cherry blossoms falling all over the place” said Anissa as she grabbed a handful of the shimmering pink cherry blossoms and throwing them back into the air.

“Oh, yeah, that. You're quite fond of cherry blossoms aren't you?” asked Damian.

“Uhh-hun. Did you know, 5 centimeters per second is the speed at which cherry blossoms fall from the trees?” nodded Anissa with a big know-it-all smile on her face.

“5 centimeters huh...” said Damian with a pause, acknowledging what Anissa had just said as the cherry blossoms fell on both their heads.

Damian woke up to the abrupt brakes of the train. He looked out of the window and reminisced at the dream of the 2 year old memory he had of the first day of autumn that Anissa told him she will be moving to Oklahoma because her parents found a job there. He remembered how he curled up in bed that night, eyes wide open as if in disbelief. Disbelief that he might not see her luscious long black hair and her gleaming eyes and her innocent smile ever again.

It's been 2 years since that fateful autumn afternoon. They were both 15 now. They kept in touch by writing, each replying as soon as they tore open the envelope to reveal the contents inside. They couldn't get to meet each other because of the cumbersome 3 day train ride.

Despite all that, Damian was still on his way, in the train. He had just graduated high school and offered a scholarship in Lancaster, making it impossible for them to meet up and settle down. He was going to see Anissa, knowing quite well it might be the last time he sees her. Despite all that had happened between the two, they never really confessed their feelings for each other, feelings that they didn't even realize were there until they were abruptly separated.

“The train leaving for Oklahoma 1900hrs will be delayed by 15 minutes due to bad weather, please bear with us” said the sharp and high pitched station announcer

He was almost there. Damian rested his back against a window, clearly exhausted from the ordeal of the tiring train ride. He reached out for the envelope that he had stored away in his jacket. The envelope he was finally going to give Anissa; to show her he cared; to show her that just like the cherry blossoms in spring, he was ready to mature their relationship. The thought “Will she care and reciprocate the feelings?” lingered in his mind as he breathed out, blowing out mist due to the severe cold and snowfall at the train station and put it back in his jacket as he made his way to his final train connection to Oklahoma.

It was just then, that a man of burly stature ran past him knocking him to the floor before he could even fathom what had just happened. He felt oddly lighter.

“My jacket, my jacket!” Damian thought to himself as he panted and looked around

It was nowhere to be seen. He looked up and caught a glimpse of his shiny black leather jacket in the distance, moving further and further away from his sight into the pathetic excuse of a sunset horizon which was overshadowed by the snowfall. He got back up and rushed to his train lest he should miss that too after he got mugged. He staggered as if drained of all his energy and willpower onto his 23A seat and all he could do was close his eyes and only hope to open them to the sight of Anissa waiting for him at the train station.

As the train screeched to a stop, leaving an aroma of burnt metal in the cold unforgiving air of Oklahoma, Damian limped out of the enormous piece of metal that had been hurling him from one city to the next for 3 days straight and left him looking like well dressed zombie.

All that vanished when he saw her. Even through the thousands of people in the station, he could still see her, he could still spot her, he could still sense her. Crimson dress. Long locks of black hair. The same old backpack with the orange cat on it. It had to be her. Anissa...

“You haven't changed a bit” Damian thought to himself as he gazed at her as if enchanted, enchanted by her skin so fair that the falling snow might camouflage it.

“DAAAAAMMMIIIIAAAANNNNN!!!”

Before he could even move, he felt his cheek go numb, as if he was just hit by an angry monkey whose blue butt was made fun of.

“Huhhhh? What was that for? You haven't changed one bit you gorilla!” said a confused Damian still holding his cheek

She held her head down and innocently said “That's for leaving me alone and not even bothering to visit before”

Damian smiled and let out a soft laughter (You know, the kind that when you're happy, yup, that kind). Knowing it was still the same Anissa he met. The same Anissa that left 2 years ago.

“Come on now, we haven't much time left till your train departs at dawn. It's 8 pm! Lest you want to be slapped again” said Anissa staring at Damian, eyes glowing red.

“And besides, I've got something to show you” She grabbed his hand and tugged him towards her, running through the crowd.

“Hey hey! Slowly! Sorry there” said Damian to Anissa as he apologized to the man he just shoulder barged into, thanks to Anissa dragging him violently through the crowd like a rag-doll. He didn't mind. Not one bit. Her soft hand in his gave him all the warmth he would ever need in the 2 feet deep snow their shoes were plow through.

As she struggled to catch her breath, she muttered enthusiastically, “There… there it is Damian”

It was a sight to behold. He looked up and up, and up until he could look up no more. It was a cherry blossom tree, so huge that it seemed like it was creating a brown horizon with the starry sky above. The chocolate brown tree contrasted with the snow falling down. Its branches all bare due to winter, not a single cherry blossom was in sight.

“Isn't it just like the one we used to play under? I know its winter and there are no cherry blossoms, but I like to hold the falling snow in my hands and close my eyes and pretend I was catching the same pink, slightly shriveled cherry blossoms that we used to together” Anissa said while gazing intensly at Damian with her beady gleaming eyes.

“Damian, isn't it nic…”

Before she could finish, she was taken aback by Damian pulling her close and locking his lips with her. Under the beautiful starry sky in which the milky way was visible as a haze of colours, the dim lights of the nearby town shining on them and their footprints all that could be seen in the freshly laid out snow under the tree.

Damian had never felt like that before. It was as if he understood everything, as if he understood what it meant to be alive, what it meant to love someone. However, his joy was short-lived and suddenly the feelings of extreme sadness took over. The sudden realization that he might not see her hit him and he clenched his fists as he bumped his own forehead against Anissa's gently.

They spent the night in a poorly lit shed, wrapped up in an old blanket to protect them from the freezing cold. They talked all night, until it was time to leave.

Damian looked distraught as Anissa escorted him to his departing train. He looked at her, and kept on looking, as if he were creating a permanent image of her in his mind at the thought of not seeing her in a long time, or ever at all.

He took the first steps on board his train, with Anissa still outside.

“Anissa... There's something I've been meaning to tell you… I… I...”

Before he could say anymore, the automated doors of the train shutting dead in-front of his face in between him and Anissa just before he could tell her how he felt. The engines started and the train started moving slowly.

“I'll write to you! I'll call you!” shouted Damian as far as his lungs could stretch through the glass window of the train

“I know you will. Don't you forget me” Anissa said with a satisfied smile on her face

“You know I can never do that, I promise we'll see the cherry blossoms falling again together one day!” screamed Damian as he pounded his fists against the glass window in frustration at his powerlessness to stop what destiny had already been decided for them as the silhouette of Anissa faded into the falling snow.

In the distant, Anissa held something close to her chest tightly and tears started flowing, melting the snow at her feet. She unclenched her fists to reveal an envelope. A pink envelope with Anissa's sloppy handwriting entitled “To Damian”. An envelope that was being drenched in her tears with every passing second. An envelope that she couldn't get herself to give to Damian.

Fast forward 6 years…

Damian is now a programmer at a multinational firm. Working 8am-6pm everyday. He hasn't forgotten her. Not one bit. He always has the same dream every night.

*tun tun tun* He's always on his phone, typing away mercilessly at his flip phone. His coworkers always teasing him that he's sending emails to a girl, the girl he always talks about, the girl from his childhood, the girl called Anissa.

As Damian types a long text describing his day and the recurring dreams he has. He rocks back on his dusty brown chair in his cubicle and lets out a sigh as he thinks to himself,

“I wonder, since when did I get into the habit of writing to myself?” and then deletes the text.

He ponders how his contact with Anissa faded away in these 6 years from the frequent letters in the mail to nothingness now. It has been 4 years since he last spoke to her. Yet he couldn't let her go...

“Okay mom, I get it, I'll be careful, yes, I'll cook something special for him, don't you worry, the train is almost there” Anissa consoled her mother on the phone.

She hung up and stared out of the window. She had been having the same dreams as him. Ever since she was going through her junk and found that pink envelope entitled “Damian”.

The exact same dream as him. Two children embracing each other in a snowy field under a withered tree. Holding tightly to each other as if they never meant to let go, rubbing their warmth on each other as they hugged. The snow filling their brunette hairs and causing their cheeks to turn red as if blushing. Just like that time 6 years ago. Only to be abruptly pulled apart and wake up in the middle of the night and face the harsh truth that is reality.

She lifted her head and saw him, waiting for her with flowers in his hand at the train station as she alighted her train. She jumped and hugged him tightly.

Her hand unnaturally glimmered in the blinding sunlight of autumn. It was a ring. A big emerald ring on her left hand's ring finger. She stared at it and reminisced when her fiancée gave it to her.

The only thing was, it wasn't Damian that was waiting for her at the station...

Damian strolled along the foothpath which was laid down with cherry blossoms. It was autumn again. He hated autumn now. Autumn was the season in which he met Anissa. Another autumn would come in which he would not see her again.

He saw a leaflet for the NASA space rocket that was going to be launched into the solar system and beyond.

“How alone it must be, going alone, into infinity, knowing you might find nothing but loneliness in the dark empty vacuum of space” he thought to himself not knowing that the rocket represented his own life after Anissa. Alone. Dark. Empty.

As he walked on the empty road of the railway crossing, a woman approached going in the opposite direction. Crimson dress. Long locks of black hair. Fair skin.

Damian's eyes wide open in shock.

“Could it be her?” he wondered to himself as they crossed paths and ended up on opposite sides of the train tracks.

He knew if at that moment he turned and looked back, she would too.

As he slowly moved his neck to look at the girl that just went past him, he saw her starting to look back as well, but before he could see her clearly, the trains rushed passed, blocking his view. As the trains roared past, Damian waited patiently with his hands in his pocket, his heart beating as if his sinoatrial node had been electrocuted with a thousand volts. When the train finally passed, all he saw was the pink beaming cherry blossoms falling onto the ground.

Damian sighed. With a smile on his face, he turned back, and kept moving on. Knowing that Anissa was happy, and that was all that mattered to him. She had matured and that he needed to do the same. He had to let her go. Just like the tree in autumn which lets go of its beautiful cherry blossom flowers so it can bloom again.

And he continued walking, in the rain of pink flowers, remembering his promise he made to Anissa to watch the cherry blossoms fall again one day, and smiled.

THE END

Saturday, 25 April 2015

University Life: Finally

When you've got so much to study
that you just rage flip the table-
totally happens

April 25th 3:30pm... I am sitting on my bed while the clouds leak away behind me, making splattering sounds as they mercilessly hit the half closed window. Who knew that something so gentle could be be so violent?

Even med students get time
for selfies

Well I guess that's exactly how the first year of #MedSchool has been, except instead of rain, we were drenched in Formalin (some magic fluid they use to make sure dead bodies don't smell like you when you forget to shower) and instead of windows, it was our brains that were taking the hits, one test after another, one sleepless night after another, one book after another.

Well, atleast we can say, "We made it (alive)!"

Bumper cars-
yep, that's exactly what uni students do

1st year, it's ~~over,~~ almost over. The only thing left now are the Viva Voce (Where you have to stand in-front of a scary looking dude that will rip you apart if you answer incorrectly... P.S. I might be exaggerating a little).

When you want to go to orals
looking formal and religious
at the same time.

The feeling of having nothing to do after 8 most hectic months of my life is overwhelming. The thought of finally getting some real sleep, finally being able to go out and enjoy, finally being able to go home, it just sounds so surreal. However none of this matches the feeling of deleting the 1,234,567 pictures of past papers and notes from my phone

Yup, that's an owl pillow
(Much Farhana and Basi,
such thanks)

And while I say I wont miss Nairobi in these 4 month holidays (Yep, 4 months it is), I will certainly miss the lush green blossoming grass of the Chiromo gardens where we used to lie down and use our bags as pillows and look up into the sky before we closed our eyes to take a nap, only to be disrupted by Sally (our school 'kutti' a.k.a Daawwggg. Seriously, a literal dog).

The 500 student seater lecture hall (where I got more sleep than my bed), where we used to TRY to pay attention then fall asleep drooling and snoring will also be missed fondly along with the cafeteria called SWA where they served elongated sausage rolls in which you had to hunt and dig deep for the sausages.

How we'll prolly spend the 4 month holdays

To all the non medical students reading this, I hope I did not scare you. Med school is fun, a bit stressful, but once you look back at it (In my case the 1st year), it's these memories that will be etched into your brain and what your hippocampus will process as the years go by and you recall these memories.
(Special mention to the gigantic moths that terrorized our rooms and the time we tried to sell Fatema samosas)

April 25th 4:15pm, time to scavenge the net for the new GoT episodes. Over and out.

Sunday, 23 November 2014

University Life: Week Whatever

Zain November 23, 2014 education , medicine 1 Comments

Yup! This is exactly how I feel. Days rushing past like the bulls in Pamplona (Yeah! I'm talking about that festival in which people are stupid enough to let loose 1700 pound bulls with horns the size of 4 bananas and let them chase the people around town for the whole day).

Yup.
That's totally how you use 'specs'

Anyways, enough about bulls.

This one and her endless
selfies!

So, university, first off, university is a weird place, you see all sorts of things: People with shorts wearing a tie, people wearing sweaters in 35°C, people whose hair end halfway on their head etc etc etc etc

Studies? Well studies are just 'K' (Please, never use 'K' in a conversation, it just makes you sound stupid). There are piles and piles of books, lecture notes, online notes, self notes to just read, read and read. If you're a person who doesn't like reading: please forget about doing medicine.

#JustLectureHallThings. Double blackout

Lectures? Some lectures are just a waste of time and allow us to catch up on sleep (see pictures below)

He tried to study. He failed.

No. I don't use binoculars
to see the screen.

Much study. Such messy.

The campus is so huge that walking from one to another seems like a marathon. Talking about marathon, we just had a marathon exam. It's where we were given body parts of cadavers (Urban Dictionary meaning: 'dead dudes') which look like they have been chopped at Magram butchery, and we have to answer questions based on them. And well, if you're like me who forgot his gloves at home, you have to touch and poke the muscles which are soaking wet with 'formalin' (Not good, makes nose bleed and eyes burn, might die soon #RIP) and the veins, arteries and the never-ending nerves with your bare hands.

#2amStudyThings

"Anatomy(Or whatever you want it to be) is a lifestyle, not an incident" - Dr Beda Olabu

Such serenity

Nairobi? Well I just went to town twice in one day just to get my laptop fixed (Damn, too much walking involved). IMAX beware, we'll soon arrive with our student ID's to get discounted movie tickets #Maftaus